REMEMBER THE RULES KIDS

I get sent a lot of music, a shit load of music. Unfortunately a lot of it is a load of shit or, at worse, bone crushingly mediocre. Thankfully a lot of bands include photos of themselves and some of these photos are so pitiful that it means I can delete thier emails immediately and save myself minutes of valuable listening time. It’s amazing how the little things count. I guess when sending out your music to people there are certain rules y’all need to follow:

  • Don’t be old. Seriously if you didn’t spend at least 3 nights off your tits on methadrone last year you’re too old to be in a band. Equally if you feel even the slightest bit guilty about fancying anyone in Skins then you’re also too old. And a probably Paedophile.
  • Dont’ be fat. Yes Alison Moyet did ok, Yes Ultrasound got a record deal and apparently even Beth Ditto is ‘cool’. Actually no she is not. She is hideously overweight, almost certainly has BO problems and frankly a terrible role model for youngsters everywhere. Stay skinny and do a load of fucking drugs. That way you’ll look good and be cool and then eventually die at an early age thus showing easily led fans the downside of drugs.  Oh and Cee-Lo can fuck right off, he’s fat AND has freakishly short arms.
  • Don’t even try and fucking  pull a fast one. If you dont send a photo with a track or your Myspace/BandCamp/Facefuck page has ‘arty’ images that don’t reveal what you look like, everyone will automatically assume that you’re either fat and ugly or fat and ugly and used to be in about 6 other bands that everybody hated the first 6 times round.
  • It’s not just about the photos btw, I’m not that shallow. Be careful what you write to go with you’re crappy picture. No one cares what the ‘Scunthorp Gazette’ has to say about your band, certainly not me and to be honest, not even your mum. She only stuck the article on the fridge because it’s the only notable thing you have ever achieved in the past 27 years you’ve been leeching off your parents.
  • Do be careful. Sometimes even if you are young and skinny and don’t look like a tool things can go wrong. TAKE NOTE.

So yeah, some key rules there, hope you paid attention. Today’s band, Free Swim, didnt send me a photo. They have no photo’s on their bandcamp page either. According to the rules above they aint doing well. Thing is, they have recorded an concept EP about a panda trying to climb Mount Everest, it’s called ‘Yolanda The Panda’ and it’s bloody brilliant.

Frankly, I dont care what they look like, they are already 99 times better than most bands. I reckon they sound like Super Furry Animals meets Fonda 500, whioch is A GOOD THING. Did I mention IT’S A CONCEPT EP ABOUT A MOUNTAINEERING PANDA????!!!!!

I know what you’re thinking. But seriously, trust me. If you haven’t already heard them (they’re getting loads of play from the lovely peeps at 6music) then you better have a listen to the glorious ‘I Want To Be A Mountaineer!’:

Free Swim – I Want to be a Mountaineer!

See told you. I love this lot! What’s more you can the whole EP for FREE from the band’s bandcamp page! Just click HERE.

That’s me done for the day. Please remember The Rules. If you need a bit more help go HERE.

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10 thoughts on “REMEMBER THE RULES KIDS

    • Oh I am. Utterly hateful. Bt after working in the music industry for 10 years I can tell you that this is what 99.9% of A&Rs/PRs/Publishers/Managers think when they get sent stuff. 1st impression is key, that’s my point. Though at the end of the day hopefully the truly fantastic music and acts will always win through in the end.

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